Once upon a blue moon a wish upon a star

Mother, my friends are no longer my friends
And the games we once played have no meaning
I’ve gone serious and shy and they can’t figure out why
So they’ve left me to my own daydreaming.

- Suzanne Vega

sometimes, you wonder if you are friends because of circumstances, or if they are really there to stay.

paixi is draining, very much so. acting is always okay at first… that is, when you don’t feel the script. and when you do, that’s when the avalanche of emotions swamp you, and you feel… suffocated.
things you’d rather not think about – all the expired, yet raw emotions; all the stuff left unsaid; all the wounds, bandaged, but still bleeding.
all the baggage you carry, dug out; thoughts you kept hidden in the closet at the very back of your mind just so you’ll live a happier life, come rushing back now that the gates have been opened; the ghosts that have been following you, discreetly at first, but openly now that your defenses have unknowingly been torn down.

oh well, ignore my nonsensical ramblings.
i’m thinking it’s just the annual pre-new year emo period, just like my annual pre-birthday emoness.
will be fine in abit!

on a little side note, i can’t wait for saturday to meet up with Joel, Vin, Dean, and hopefully An and Sham!
missed them so so so so sooooo much and i really hope we can still remain good friends despite not going for trainings as often anymore.
SATURDAY COME FASTER PLEAASSSSEEEEEEE.
(and of course, i can’t wait for next weekend for zen to stay over when the parents are away! I MISS HER LIKE CRAZY. if only i can control time. :c *sniffles*)

Of wishes, ghosts, and morphine

I suppose I’m just being hormonal, and therefore emotional about everything. The fact is, at times, you make me really happy, and sometimes, you make me really sad. Right now, I’m not feeling too great, but that’s not your fault, really. I guess it’s just me being me. I don’t blame you if you think I’m crazy – after all, I asked for it with my constant mood swings.

Anyway, I suppose that I should tell you that you have been the best thing that’s happened to me this year. Yes, I do feel horribly sad at times when I look at you, or think of you, and know that you are not totally here with me, that you are a million miles away. But sometimes, you make me happier than I thought I ever could be.

I wish though, you wouldn’t lift me high into the cluds then make me plunge back down to Earth with such a devastating jolt. I wish that I really had a form of importance in your heart and your flie and that you aren’t just speaking of it, or making empty promises. I wish that this is real and solid, rather than a wavering, flitting ghost of a thing which exists.

Sometimes I feel that this is all not worth it – until you make some small, sweet gesture, something which happens once in a blue moon. Sometimes, I am on the path of moving on, until I look back and realise that I miss you too much to do so. Sometimes, acceptance seems so near, but they are… well, they are just not you.

Maybe people are right, and it will be so much better if we can live without hope, without dreams, without expectations… without fairytales – because life just isn’t about fairytale endings, is it? Everything, and everyone eventually leaves. Everything, and everyone, goes away in the end. So maybe, despite all the optimistic young idealism, it is better to leave rather than be abandoned.

twisted.

the biggest, longest (day)dream i’ve ever had was one in which someone i love was standing in front of an oncoming vehicle and i will push him/her aside and get knocked down instead.
this scene has been playing out before my eyes ever since primary school, when i stare out the window of the school bus every morning and go into the land of dreams and fairytales.
when i was young, i used to believe in fairytales and of lost loves coming back to you, of pure simple love without much trouble…
of a guy falling so in love with me he’d do anything for me.

but sadly, 10 years down the road, reality of the cold hard world has sunk in and…
what is love?
love is myths and fairytales, sugar and spice and everything nice.
or is it?
while we are willing to sacrifice so much for love, be hurt time and again but still be able to stand up despite all the falls, the cuts and abrasions, are our lovers willing to do the same for us?
it’s unfair to compare, yes, i know.
but sometimes you can’t help but wonder if you are as important to the other person as they are to you.

maybe the world will be a better place without myths and fairytales – because, without false hopes, life would be so much easier.
then again… do we really want to live in a world without myths and fairytales?

that sour taste of bile

but i’m getting used to it!
at least whenever i have that taste in my mouth, it makes me feel slightly less fat, because i know that i’ve gotten all that unnecessary, not-very-nutritious stuff out of my system.
so… thankfully my gag reflexes are better than rubster’s non-existent ones HA-HA-HA.
by the way, I.AM.NOT.BULIMIC, in case you’re suspecting.
i only puke when i feel that i’ve eaten too much, aka fat.

oh oh! and i was touching my eyelashes just now and i think they grew longer!
maybe applying vaseline on my stubby (almost non-existent) lashes at night before sleeping really does work. *crosses fingers*
but then again, i have this niggling suspicion that it is all in my mind – i mean, it’s quite impossible that having only applied vaseline for 1 week (unreligiously) will actually produce such miraculous results!
if this is the case i think everyone will be walking around with long and pretty lashes already and beauticians specialising in eyelash extensions will be out of business!

on an even more random note, i was just thinking about all the weird, psychotic people in this world and… it just hit me sometime ago that i’m a pretty useless kickboxer.
i mean, my right leg (the stronger one) cannot even inflict any damage now – hell, my right kicks are like frigging taps.
and i used to walk around reasonably confident that i can hold my own against robbers and rapists since i learn kickboxing and am equipped with penknives in my bag… and felt that i’d rather meet with either of those than phantoms, ghosts, or spirits – now, however, i realised that i won’t even be able to run away from any of those if i were to meet with them – much less fight back!
which in other words mean… i’m doomed. if anything untoward were to happen to me.
so if one day i disappear from the face of earth and you can’t contact me… you know i’ve either been abducted by ghosts and spirits into their world, or got sent there by rapists/killers!
at least, though, it’d be a pretty interesting (albeit kinda ugly) way to die – i mean, at least i didn’t die monotonously in my sleep but actually met with some REAL excitement before flying off to fulfill my destiny – be someone’s guardian angel.

Of fucking physical desires

i am not a slut.
i am not a whore that’s in this world just to fulfill your physical desires.
i am a person – made of flesh and blood – and deserve to be respected.
i do not appreciate feeling like i am a fucking piece of meat you want to make out with, bang and throw aside after you’ve done what you want to do with me.
stop thinking that i am born to be at your beck and (physical) call.
i hate it. i fucking hate it.

i may not seem very intellectual – but contrary to what you think, i do need people with substance in my life.
things may be said at moments of impulse but i am still, at the very core, a rational person after thinking things through.
this is why i fucking hate guys (sometimes).
give girls the respect they deserve – don’t fucking fuck us and throw us aside.
do you think we don’t know what you’re thinking?
no, you don’t like us for us – you like our tits and cheebye so that you can shove your bloody dick in it to relieve your craving for something warm, tight and moist wrapped around it.
go to the bloody sex shop and get a fake pussy for heaven’s sake (i wanted to say “for god’s sake” but it somehow seems kinda disrespectful to whichever god you believe in :/).

don’t get me wrong – i’m speaking in general terms.
i have many close guy friends, and i love them. very much.
talking about sexual stuff with them is fine – so what if they have an active sex life?
but i’m not about to fuck someone i don’t know, just for the sake of getting a free fuck.
of course, that is not to mention the fact that i don’t really fancy a dick shoved up my privates… or my mouth, for that matter.

i hate feeling like i’m a piece of meat which you only want to “get to know” so that you can convince me to meet up (and have sex).

just leave me alone.

Heaven on Earth

“You think I’m lesbian?”
“Well, you’re a girl in love with a girl.”
“NO! I’m Pauline in love with Tori!”

- Heated exchange between Mary and Pauline in Lost and Delirious

locked tight together, we owned a piece of the sky

christmas celebration yesterday was kinda blah – as adorable said, it seemed like a merry christmas gone wrong for quite a lot of people!
thankfully mine was pretty okay though – probably one of the best i’ve ever had i guess?
afternoon was spent thai express-ing with carrie and nigel panda man before zen came over to “nap”.
it was kinda funny though because after zen came into my room the mum texted me and asked “is your friend a he or she?” and it was quite retarded because zen’s so tiny how can anyone mistake her for a guy!?
didn’t end up doing much napping so i was really tired at night at taboo and didn’t really dance much (dammit, all the calories put on from drinking weren’t burnt off and i feel hella fat now!).
loved the present zen gave… and i love her more. *melts*

anyway joel came to tanjong pagar with his friend, kelvin, at 2ish to say hi omg that was sucha good christmas present i swear, since i haven’t seen him for godknowshowlong and missed him like crazy!
am having a little head/neck/back ache(s) and the brain’s feeling somewhat fuzzy wuzzy so you can probably tell that my post is quite =.= but whatever okay i promise to blog properly when i am feeling a lil less drowsy!

i think my friends are the best christmas present anyone (santa) can ever give!

the end is but another beginning

found this while browsing through lj endiings yesterday.
i don’t know the source, but this is beautiful, very much so.

Objects spin and submerge until the idea of loveliness covers neglected territory;
Windowsills, salt shakers, a shoelace dribbling on the concrete (you can be so lovely sometimes).
The eleven o’clock so close to midnight dark,
Drowning in the memory of a perfect stranger,
Ink blotting out ink spelling out words too passionate for public viewing,
Stark & honest-naked against the bone white paper as slim as memory.

stuck at work

courtesy of ruby chung.
i’m hella sleepy and i think i’ll be stuck in the office till 7 or 7ish – whenever the rubster finally arrives.
so no life can!
where got people one day before X’mas eve and still stuck in the office so late – the office is practically empty save for about a handful of people.
i feel so lonely.
i can’t wait to go home and sleep and for tomorrow to roll around – hopefully i get enough sleep so i can partaye like a rock star yo!

zen’s coming over after our half day work tomorrow so we can nap before hanging out (and hopefully she doesn’t pangseh like, AGAIN. *rolls eyes*), then it’s dinner with her and taboo with my favourite people again at night!
but i’m guessing my parents will slaughter me for going home late all the time.
what with the “unhealthy lifestyle” and everything – the nagging will prolly get worse if they find out that i take painkillers everytime before clubbing!

we just had the gift exchange thing in my department and i was like so paiseh giving them what i bought for them!
they better like it man – the presents burnt a hole in my wallet *sniffles*
i love christmas – presents presents and an entire avalanche of presents!
(and sherlyn – i got presents so that means i didn’t tell lies = alexis has been and is a good girl!)

as you can tell, this post is pretty darn choppy, with random bits of today (i think) pieced together but i’m really trying my best to sound coherent!
should go for a smoke while waiting for the rubster – maybe it’ll perk me up.
till… whenever i next update then!

831

8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning.
but i’m afraid that if i keep this up, i’ll only end up hurting myself, physically and emotionally.
for some weird ass reason, though, when you told me you hung out with her last night because “her number is the only one i can remember” when your phone died and you took down my number wrongly (wow how coincidental, baby), the muscular organ situated in my chest did not feel the painful squeeze already.
this is fucking scaring me, i swear.

no obligations.
no obligations.
no obligations.
so… whatever – you’re free to do whatever you like, as i am too.
if i miss you, well, that’s my fault.